Types of Consequences
Appropriate consequences teach children that they’re in control of their own behavior—even when we’re not there to nag them. They’re also tailored to match each child’s developmental stage, so we’re never expecting more than kids are capable of. These kinds of effective consequences can be divided into two categories: natural and logical consequences.
Natural consequences are things that happen on their own as a result of the child’s behavior. For example, losing your cell phone means that you no longer have a cell phone to use. Forgetting your homework means getting a zero. Logical consequences are steps that we take, as parents, to help our children see that choosing poor behaviors comes with some unpleasant side effects. These aren’t punishments because they’re not punitive. Logical consequences aren’t physically or emotionally damaging. An example would be having your children go to bed early the evening after they refused to go to bed on time. The consequence is related to the behavior, and it makes sense for the situation. It’s also unpleasant enough that they won’t want to suffer the same consequence again and again, so it serves as a motivator to changing their own behavior.
In both cases, you want your children to see that they really choose their consequences themselves the moment they choose their behavior. You can do this in two ways:
Age-Appropriate Consequences
Effective consequences changes as kids grow and learn. Consider these examples of consequences that are appropriate at different times in your child’s life.
Infants
Infants don’t need to be punished, ever. However, there will be times when you will want to change your baby’s behavior. For example, let’s say they’re grabbing a toy out of your older child’s hands or throwing their spoon on the ground in an effort to make you pick it back up—for the one-hundredth time! Here are some steps you can take:
Toddlers
In addition to the consequences listed above (for infants), you can add a time-out to your repertoire when your child becomes a toddler. This means putting your child in a separate location, such as a special chair or step, for a few minutes. Time-out doesn’t have to last long to be effective, either. The trick is to stop engaging with your child while they’re in time-out. You have to ignore them in order for it to work! Aim for the number of minutes equal to your child’s age. So a three-year-old would be in time out for no longer than three minutes.
Preschoolers
For preschoolers, you’ll want to use the same tactics you used when your kids were toddlers, while adding a twist on the traditional time-out: Try putting toys or privileges in time out. This will work best if the toy is in time-out for a limited amount of time, or in the case of losing privileges, the loss is short-lived. Preschoolers aren’t old enough yet to be motivated by something that’s days away.
School-Age Children
In addition to the tactics you used for preschoolers, for school-age children you’ll want to choose more impactful privileges to take away. For example, leaving a playdate early or losing TV time or computer time.
Tweens
In addition to all of the consequences you’ve been using up to this point, you’ll want to hone in on consequences that will really matter to your tween. This might mean the loss of cell phone or video game privileges, or time with friends.
Teens
As with tweens, you’ll want to tailor the privileges you choose to take away to the situation and to what makes the most difference to your teen. Some examples include temporarily removing social media or driving privileges, moving your teen’s curfew up, and limiting the freedoms they’ve earned up to this point. You only need to choose one consequence at a time for it to be effective. In situations where your teen doesn’t seem to be getting the point, it may be helpful to write a contract that lists the types of consequences they can expect for various infractions.
Positive Reinforcement
Establishing a set of appropriate consequences won’t do the trick unless you also let your kids know what they’re doing right. So make sure that you’re intentional about using positive reinforcement to celebrate the behaviors you want your kids to repeat day after day. Believe that they really do want your approval, even if they never show it, and look high and low for things you can genuinely praise and acknowledge.
